In January 2021, my mother and I walked into a Brooklyn hospital to get biopsy results that she had a couple of weeks prior. Months prior, she had been diagnosed with acute gastritis and a hernia in her stomach that made her look like she was giving birth at any moment. As the pain continued to increase, I suggested that we go to an emergency room to see if she could get relief. While there, they decided to take an EKG and a CT Scan. The results came back that there was a mass on her pelvis, and they wanted to admit her to take more tests. She was there for five days. They took a biopsy and told us that they would be following up with the results. It took two weeks due to Covid. When we returned, they said to us that the best option to treat this cancer is chemo. I sat there with a pensive look because the doctor casually mentioned cancer and continued to speak on my mother’s condition. I stopped her in the middle of her spiel and said, “so it is cancer?” Even though she didn’t say that’s what it was initially, and it was evident by the way she threw it into the conversation, but for some reason, I wanted her to say, “yes, she has cancer.” I just needed that clarity so we wouldn’t leave with any foggy brain of what was going on. It was clear, and it was cancer.
At that point, I could tell my mom had checked out. She started playing with her nails which I’d realize was a go-to coping mechanism when she’d receive bad news. The doctor sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher Miss Othmar. They continued to tell us that they believed she has six months to 1 year without any treatment, and with chemo, it would buy her a few extra months (this was due to the aggressiveness of cancer.) There weren’t many options 1. She could do chemo with hopes to shrink or remove the cancer cells. 2. She could ride it out and let nature take its course. 3. She could chance them going in and removing the tumor around her uterus, but that would still leave the other cancer cells in her body that had taken up residence.
What do you do with that type of news? How do you console someone during this time? My mother is a baby boomer, and there’s not much emotion with many of them. My grandmother raised them to be tough, which meant you don’t show weakness, and crying is considered weak. As the doctors are giving us the run down, she hangs her head low, and only when she gives a slight nod, I know that she’s listening. We left the hospital with the intent of her starting chemo within the next few weeks. By the time we returned to the apartment and had a moment to reflect, she had changed her mind. Her thoughts were on moving to Atlanta and spending her time with her children and grandbabies. At this moment, I realize that time is of the essence, and I need to move fast so she can have as much time as possible.
My father passed when I was 20. I am now in my 50s. I don’t know what to expect, and I reach out to my tribe and share the news. They comfort me and tell me that they’ll be praying for us. I spend most of my day crying, trying not to tear up around her because I don’t want her to focus on me. I told her that it’s okay to emote, but she has trouble doing so in front of me. I later found out that she was doing it silently in her bedroom. I find it hard to do so in front of her because I don’t want her to worry. We have the same concern (each other.) She told me she didn’t want me to cry because it would be hard for her to take it, and she would worry.
Hence, I oblige and do my crying in silence. I am a believer. I pray and ask for guidance because even though I’ve experienced this type of loss before, it was sudden death. I don’t know what to expect, and I reach out to someone who has had a similar experience. She said that it wasn’t until after her mom passed (9 years after her diagnosis) that she realized that she was living in fear, waiting to receive a call from her siblings telling her that her mother was gone. She said that she didn’t know how much of her time she spent doing that, and it took away from her life. I’m trying not to do that, but this is the hardest thing I’ve had to walk through so far. I’m lost and confused. I don’t know how to navigate through this because it’s new. Where do I go from here?
womenofacertainage 